Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Floss Wagon

"I have it on superb authority that you screwed the Floss Wagon". Umberto's collar was tight and he kept tugging at the top button while he spoke down to the supine El Greco, trying to sound menacing and slick with undisclosed knowledge.

"You are red as baboon's ass in the face and shit" said El Greco, "and you're trying to sound all menacing and slick with undisclosed knowledge. You need to let the air outta your what for, bud." 

In the corner, the dog licked his balls with eager, liquid slurps .

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Deliver This



Some passing thoughts on the events at work is only a grieving for the passing of notes in fifth grades when the two sisters were turned to the blackboard chalking up the High Math of The Second Coming.

It was a note Tony Graciano penned saying that after school he was going to kick my ass because I slammed his hand in the cloak room door .I looked at Tony behind me, the note under the desk,
and he was smiling the best his gumless mouth could manage, vapors of bacon and death on his breath.

“Would you like to share that with every one, Ted?” keened a voice, piercing with a hint of whistle swirling around each slippery ’s’ that slid against the tongue to the enamel of each capped tooth .Sister Marie, basketball tall and looking grim as grime in her stiff, consigned vestments, held out her hand, wrinkled and thick veined at the knuckles, demanding to see the note .I looked up at her, knowing God sees everything on a too-big TV screen as wide as the sky, and then handed the note up to her.

Her. long fingers wrapped around the paper like a satchel of loving snakes.
I remember from the fourth grade that Tony had said he wanted to be a writer when asked
by a lait teacher what he wanted to be when he grew up. Why, asked the teacher, and Tony enthused over the adventure stories he liked too read, and that he wanted to write his own someday that’d be even more terrific.

Terrific, said the Teacher, Then you ought to take pride to signing your name one everything to write from now on. Tony beamed that same gumless grin and nodded his head rapidly as though he’d just snapped a spring.

Sister Marie held Tony’s note in front of her face, an inch from her thick-lenses glasses that made her eyes seem to bulge frog like, and read the words quietly, a silent mutter moving her lips. Her face, already creased and lined with years of pure Catholic rapture, hardened even more as she lowered the paper and stared over and past me down the aisles of neatly lined school desks, her eyes finally stopping where Tony sat.

A vein popped out on her forehead. I looked back and saw Tony looking back at the sister with an innocent expression only guilty could provide. Sister Marie didn’t let him say a word.

“Mr. Graciano, into the hail, pleases, and bring your books with you” “
She walked up the aisle briskly, as Tony stood after closing his books, and turning around for a good view, all I could see was the broad sweep of her water blue cloak spread like Superman’s’ cape that seemed to absorb Tony in whole. Next I remembered the classroom door slamming, and then there was silence, one nun and a class of scared kids observing    
a ceremonial gravity.

It was as though Tony had not been in the class at all, not even on the planet.
Sister John Mark, whose name I never understood, picked up a rubber tipped pointer and said “We must be well behaved when we’re learning of the good news of Christ.”

EAT MORE CHOWDER

I am too busy to remember the things that haven't happened to me.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Justice League Audition

The bullet pushed through the Geek's skull and came out back of his head, coated in blood, brain and specks of yellow gruesome and sped along it's tragic trajectory to Grimshot, the arch villain, who was about to pull the lever to the Complete Annihilation Device, which would have made the Earth a gooy, chewy morass of snarling scarred whippet moans, when the afore mentioned bullet caught him straight in the forehead, likewise making Grimshot as Deceased as the formerly bothersome Geek. The bullet in turned embedded itself in the baseball, a slimy brick assemblage.

"So that's why they call you Gunner" said Batman, " you just fucking shoot the bad guys instead of bringing them to justice."

The Gunner put is snub nosed Finisher back in his leotard  holster. "That's right, Batman. Cut to the quick. Gun 'em down and then eat a hearty snack of Chillie Curly Fries and Groan Soda (c)."

Superman was not pleased. "Worst Justice League audition I have ever seen. No style."

The Gunner wacked Superman in the funny parts with a Kryptonite claw hammer.

"I also have a blog where I write about stand up comedians who haven't yet been given enough credit for the movies they have made.Like the Bob Hope masterpiece Boy Did I Get a Wrong Number?"


"THAT HAD ME IN TEARS " said Superman, otherwise moaning and foaming at the mouth. The doorbell rang.

"Who ordered a Knuckle Sandwich?" yelled Batman. Great green cootie slugs had crawled  under his cowl, sliming a trail to the eyeballs.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Make Big Bucks Talking to Corporate Groups in San Diego!

Jack Gland never liked flying in airplanes and he never liked going to San Diego. Today he was screwed four ways like the last part of an engine you can't make fit anywhere. He was on a jet going to  California, to San Diego, where he was to give a speech to The Heat. He was a big shot and he had  stuffed a shaving kit down his pants. It was there next to him, so he grabbed it, sniffed it, licked the zipper, and then crammed it down his reeking boxers.

"Where did my shaving kit go" asked the woman sitting next to him, "it was here a second ago."
She gave Jack Gland the once over and stuck out her hand to be shook.

"My name is Skin Plate" she barked, "and I'm a bitch until I get my shave-on". She slammed her fist on Jack Gland's groin. Things went white. He never thought a shaving kit could cause so much pain when the whacked you where it counts to most.

"Welcome to San Diego" said the cab driver. Jack Gland was in the back seat at San Diego International Airport, rubbing his nuts. The driver looked in the rear view and then continued speaking. 

"Nice day to get hammered in the jewel vault he said." Jack Gland noticed that the driver held a clawhammer as he maneuvered the stirring wheel.

It was going to be a long day.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Conversation


The Geezer who'd carried all the vinyl luggage onto the bus yelled at the bus driver when she pulled in at a scheduled rest stop that he'd lost his cell phone. I watched him zip and unzip the many compartments of the luggage, rifling through congealed clusters of dog eared and wrinkled unsorted papers and return envelopes, medicine bottles and toe nail clippers searching for the portable device.

The driver looked in her rear view mirror at the Geezer. "What would you like me to do for you sir?" she asked. In the mirror I could see that her eyes were lit with a glee that spoke volumes about what not to have for breakfast.

"I lost my cellphone" the Geezer repeated. His voice warbled like a thin wire stretched between two roof tops.

"I would call your server and get your ass another phone" said the driver, drumming her fingertips on the banquet-sized steering wheel" otherwise some mofug gonna run up yer bill and you'd then be in a world of  hurt chicken parts."

The Geezer sat down again and seemed to allow gravity make him slide into his own ruined flesh. There were several bags of things he had with him, and no way to call for a ride or pizza after a good stroke.

"Hey, Geezer, what's your phone number." This was a Fat Samaritan, sitting across the aisle, offering a hand to the Geezer's depressed situation. The Geezer looked up at him, mentally twisting this corpulent facsimile of useful body parts into a hungry question mark.

"Wha..." he demanded.
"Gimmee your number, I will call you, your phone will ring, and then you can find it, and presto, you got your phone and your cootie catcher back again."

The Geezer neither nodded nor said yes, but rather gave the Fat Samaritan the number. As if in the movies , the Geezer's phone chirped a catchy portion of a familiar theme, and the Geezer reached deep into an exterior pocket of one of the pieces of luggage, pulling out a small, cheap cell phone, chiming happily away like an idiot new born. Everyone paying attention smiled, said their thank yours and you're welcomes. The bus driver looked again into the rear view, her eyes suggesting a hand holding a hot piston.

Two miles later, I heard a conversation in the seats behind me.

"Hello"/
"Hi, who is this?"
"Uh, wait, who are you? You called me..."
"No, no, you called me. I looked at my missed calls and this phone number is there with no name and I don't rememEvery corner was a ghost town, all the bistro seats upside down on the tables, a good many neon signs still promising "open." Traffic lights continued their three-bulb cycle, stop, stop, go, wait, commanding even spirits to wait their turn. The main street was slick with recent rain, and the lack of cars made it possible to hear the sticky hiss of tires three blocks away, rolling through the downtown area. This is a boulevard of locked doors. There was no one crossing against the lights, looking in store windows , cracking their knuckles, and rubbing their necks. The lack of cars racing from one stoplight to the next made the lowest tone and timbre louder, brighter, more definitive in how the sound seems to explode with expressiveness. The breeze sang shrilly over the rooftops, the power lines snap like whips in the draft. A car alarm screams bloody murder in a strip mall parking space. It all becomes orchestral, arranged, discordant sound insertions over the asphalt, cement, and short-circuiting neon signs.  Each building was for sale, and there was no cure.ber this number at all and I pushed redial to see who it is and so who are you?"
"Back it up, Jack, I never called you, now who are you and why are you so demanding with people you don't know?"
"I have a right to know who it is I don't know who are calling my private phone number on my phone and what it is they have to tell me, and it might be important, like someone died in my family, you could be the police or the coroners office or someone from a sweepstakes I entered, so who are you and what do you have to tell me?"
"I don't have to tell you fuck, you decaying stain monger."
"Don't you swear at me, goddamn it all, don't you swear at me and ignore my demand. Who the hell are you?
tell me or I will report you."
"You called me, you brick-layered fuck face, making all this shit up. I was minding my own business when you called me and started this shit..."
"Answer my question..."
"Fuck off and go watch professional wrestling, Geezer..."
"Show some respect, punk..."
"Respect my testicles, Iron-sides."

I pulled the cord and got off the bus at the next stop, walking past the driver, who again was looking  in the rear view. Her mouth was twisted in contradicting responses.

Under her breath, "White folks, damn...."

Saturday, August 21, 2010

TWINE TIME


Divine is pregnant and baking up the legs of her revenue...More


lines in the carpet of what really sucks and makes change a noisy

coin to swallow...An over heated gush of prose is untouched

around the room that feigns wall paper ears and shy, shredded

geraniums...Every time a commercial comes on, the cockatiels

panic into song, as though they're elated that something's fated

to become the string that drags across the sidewalk and snaps

around the corner disappearing into a gloveless, digital

fist...Where Divine was waiting is a pot where she cooks the

books...Vacations are a burden, old coast lines and paper hats.



In just a day, I might think of pages of things that need no

introduction...Was it so long ago you said that you'd rather be

sick on the rug rather that suck the staff and relish the tang of

the misplaced seed?... Divine has a job that really sucked,

vacuuming floors in a year she meant to make a clean sweep of

things...I am looking at a bag full of hamster mix...Where were

we wet when warned?...Any day forth coming, there will be pages

of hands, un-retouched contact sheets, whatever it was we were

talking about...



Divine circles "K" for thrift and gas pain… Ten years old

resentments trying on just one shoe, the other falls, both feet

are missing and with out milk...Another play rudely based on the

passage of a small, diamond blessed trickle of saliva that spans

from a fork to a fat lower lip...Suddenly awake next to a man you

smiled at so many years from now...I go looking for my paper

slippers in a hospital hall in between thoughts of mumbling some

thing about Divine’s Dad, who is out like lights in a movie

house..."All your wallpaper appears to be as pasted as you are..."







Through bare need and obvious disregard of the interior

designers' advice, Divine tosses another canto into the pot....I

often drum by bottom lip with a guitar pick and wonder about the

visibility on the bottom of Lake Erie...Your bodies of water

don't scare me, Aquaman... Cockatiels in panic song for food,

someone to talk to, the morning of the eighth anniversary of my

mother's death when she said FUCK IT!! and left town, I was glad

someone took the pennies from her eyes...



The hamster mix

vanished, but there's a trail of saw dust in the fringe of the

pile rug, it's getting harder to have a seat, and then it's me

again, the exact fact, sweeping up...Such a tidy little home

deserves a sign that says 'BUY ME...At every point in the

conversation, Divine was speaking of her resume, about what she'd

like to resume after the swelling goes down...”



Peering at snapshots when he was caught stealing a glance at the

accident that took the attention away from him...Someone named

Bob is getting autobiographical to extents that cause typists to

lose sleep until the end of the century and axes to sweep through

rain forests that are becoming the moonscape of

imagination...Huck Finn discovers grenades and lobs one into the

school cafeteria...Divine takes the pan from the oven...Every

night there's smoke...



Glowing reviews in embers of log fires on her lap, the asking of

"will you marry me"" buries the stab of pain, the gain of the Del

Mar track that's high at the gate and it's too hard to get

started horsing around when the house we have is only paper and

promises, it's too hard after urgings and purgings after the

drinks, where is she?...



The wall paper is a disaster, all I want is art, thought I was

framed, the cheap diamond ring, the intoning pun...He breaks into

the moans of ancient blues shards during the long walks home when

the streets are clear of opinion and he could corner the market

of pain with the husky croon of a stranger's voice, using all of

it as though he it were really his, or saying "AS THOUGH" as if

it meant something...A grand tradition of one man relating to

another man's wallet and wife...



WHERE IS SHE?



Gimmmeeeee a goddamned pigfoot and a bottle of beer...Sweeping up

the trail of dead ants who died over night on the white ceramic

tile...Ambulances, frightened children, minicams, a microphone

in your face...Divine's spike hair cut almost put Bob's eye

out...Okay, you did it, you made the world's largest, meatiest,

sloppiest steak sandwich (Now what?)...



Never run the sucking machine over the white ceramic tile, the

dirt just runs for it's life...Damp, dirty, depressed dialectical

deli's ....In a manner of speaking, it's all a manner of

speaking, such as the bulge and billow of vapor one creates on

cold mornings when you're scoring debate points over the sink

filled with last night's dishes and there's nothing left to try

but tap thee hot air reserve before the servitude doors

unlock...That's right, all our last names are the same,

Bumstead...



WHO ATE THE COLD PIZZA I WAS SAVING FOR THE WEDDING RECEPTION?



Divine gets ready for bed...ashes to ashes, the cigarette burns,

flakes are left in a condominium garage where there used to be

trees and layered dreams of rail road stakes, commerce to the end

of time, Mom dreams forever where blurring is an improvement on

the evidence of things seen and felt...We go on drinking until

the clocks are set in 6/8 time...



Shambling the rambling stretch of grape wine, all roads lead to

the arch of nose bent in the cranny of everybody's business,

filling hankies, awarding testimony, expelling, Divine...



Flanked by a trio of hoods after he'd gotten taking a leak in

the alley behind the theater, Jake zipped his fly, poked a

cigarette between his lips, and asked them what they thought of

the show.



Divine wakes up in the middle of the night, a kicking in her

belly, now she knows where all the money went



"Let's not do this ever again ..."



Let's ask Bob what that is between his legs that was kneeling as

though preying on a losing horse. ..



A harmonica blows the facts of over-described rain into the

cadences of lyrics carried around for maybe weeks that texture a

series of exact moments in time that have nothing to do with

being a dime short for the price of lunch, a fish taco just out

of biting range...



Crucial mastiff at my heels, big black dog, no death, some gain

said wisdom is eliding the data gone sterna or Jack Daniels, the

reek of the dumpster; at least it's not me looking for lunch

I don't feel, feed me the staff of life, I hunger for your

thirst, stereo hard bop vernacular of pulse given integers of

caressing your nuts on a slow elevator, some facts remain, some

one smells a rat, train stations all have the same abused

lavatory signs,



WHERE IS SHE?



Have you ever felt that there's something gone you couldn't get

your hands, like water sliding through the rage of your white

knuckled fist?..



It's a boy, a him they'll sing to, a lyric they've written...



LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY LIGHTS!...



The wallet that's worshipped is dragged along the side walk,

tied to a string, pulled by hands animated by need...



Listen to what I'm telling you!



Toss another beer into the stew, a Hooverville of shopping carts...

ONE LAST QUESTION: Hello?



The night the city dissolved backstage while high beams shot up

the pant legs of snoring police...Today Divine plans a long bus

ride to the end of the county..."Wasn't God just kidding about

the ways of Mammon?"...Hello?...We are in a room with a cake, a

screaming child, rough, gelled globs on the wall where the paper

shreds and the flowers are abstracted by fingerprints that tell

the cycle of raids on the pantry...



Into each light a little life must fail...Bob smoothes the creases

of his pant leg, checks out his haircut (it's Marine moderne), HE

FEELS LIGHT HEADED...The snoring goes on all night, in dreams, he

is clearing his throat, making sense...It was on his way thought

the Grape Vine, the long knot of road, a final beer and toke from

the pipe and Steve Miller eight track tape that had been on deck

since they spun out of the sod of Turlock WHEN THAT WALL APPEARED

from the dark, the pick up high beams scouring and confirming the

density of the grain of the cement...



The guy who was driving had a pinky on the steering wheel while

he loaded a pipe, the shooting by was constant, the wall, thick

as cattle, got closer, the black was constant, there was hardly a

difference to be discerned...



From her seat on the bus, Divine looks over the swamp to see the

Del Mar race track, from across the bridge she sees showers of

streaking sparks, and then it's gone, the stench and the

commotion, rags and gasoline...The secret society that worshipped

the square declarations of white ceramic tile has a meeting in

the highest vacant office suite in the city and announces that

everything's gonna be alright...Alvin Cash breaks the meditation

of treadless tires gripping Grapevine asphalt for miles and

announces, in the recess of radio static and the slippery scurry

of bald tires in slick rain, that it's "TWINE TIME"...



Twiddling thumbs is an inappropriate response to hearing a

confession of life time wrongs...Is there anything in the pantry

that's not my fault?...Hamster mix is leaking to the floor, even

our ants march by it, there are no hamsters in sight, and no one is

ever that hungry, but dumpsters are a cornucopia, yes, yes,

yesssss, a sound of them chewing what was started, give us

what god gave you, yessssss, dump it all right here...Divine left

the vacuum cleaner by the door...smoke mars the sight of the home

entertainment center, the only meaning we agree on...Bob offers a

spoon of food to an irritable baby who's already seen too

much...A thin microphone wire is wrapped around the announcer's

neck...



THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE WINKING AT ME!...



"Twine Time." repeats Mick the driver,

"WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU

SAY SO??"

and then moves is smallest linger on the wheel just so, the wall coming upon us goes speeding by, Mick pops the eight

track back into the player, Steve Miller can't stop crooning

about wild mountain honey...



Build a fire on your lap and go on slurping the straw that's

deliverance in a pipe. fitted motion of get down from the cloud

the wall the bottle rocket snickering its anonymous explosions

where each sound is a punctuation mark and each sentence an

explosion in a bar at the end of the road where all your jokes

bomb, THAT IS, Bob is thinking too much again, did he lock all

the doors, did the baby get enough sleep, how would Divine drop

everything and start fresh as a slab of dead malarkey on a

cutting board if there was a trend to discern????? These matters

worry him greatly, he can't see and breathing is a problem, like

it was in the Laser Dome seconds before he cut off the tip of

his thumb grabbing his buck knife, whose unforgiving glint in the

rage of cigarette cherries delivered he and the carnival horde

from death in the folds of duct tape and latex...



Maybe the cockatiels will eat the hamster mix and mutate into

winged things that will fly in place forever... Nine years later,

and the tears still come; now and then something is hallowed

from the place he lives...



At the edge of the swamp, just a outside the race track, after

the carnival was closed, a horror of bare chested ride- jocks

furnish bottle rockets and a zillion Bic Lighters and launch

attacks on the Sky Wheel, The Zipper, every two-stick center

joint that pays the flat buck of fuck off, I am standing here,

from time to time as the images twine looking across the swamp

to the bridge and the highway, seeing headlights crawl North and

South, I wonder who's leaving town or coming home and I wonder if

there's some notion of me in any of those car seats, and then I

stare again at the midway, bombs bursting against everything

worth a fortune on paper, and then there's a fire in the

distance, plumes of smoke blacker than even the sea around the

obscured moon, the Laser Dome is hit, the bag sags, and the rockets

go screaming across the sky...



Jake had seen the movie five times already, and was going to

recite some lines of dialogue verbatim to the hoods, but the

biggest goon grabbed him by the collar and lifted him like a rag

doll and told him that his reviews were no good around here...



Where is she? ...



Give a goddamn leg up, what are you laughing at? YOU BASTARD,

COME BACK HERE!!





"If you're so funny, why do you remind me of the black strip on

the back of my ATM card??"



(Born under the terms of disease, but who deserves monikers when

they're tykes under orbs that effect tides and moods that swing

like battle axes?) ..



Where .......... is ............. she ........? ..



Hello? Yes, I would answer the phone, but first, what does it

want to know?...Just think, somewhere on this block in the city,

someone is standing naked in front of the mirror muttering "I

don't wanna, you can't make me”...



I was too drunk to go home, so I broke into the service area

behind the dryers in the laundry room to make believe that I

never happened to anyone...Bob at the end of the bar in a new

punk rock hair cut, he tells the lady next to him he’s sorry

for all the future tragedies...



Where the birds dance on the perch is the lurch of human pride

that says there is something better on the way and it certainly

isn't mail...



Half way down the wall, strips of curled wallpaper and curdled

paste reveal what was disguised, more geraniums riddled with

bullet holes, a whole other set of stories from another batch of

canceled checks …