Thursday, July 17, 2025

If John Updike Wrote a Memorial to Gene Pitney


Gene Pitney's final curtain call came not with a cough or a stagger, but with a performance—rounded, complete, and received with a standing ovation in a Cardiff auditorium. The word used was “natural causes,” as if God Himself were a concert promoter with a fondness for showmanship, allowing the tenor to finish his set before drawing the velvet drapes. There’s a polite symmetry to it—no collapse on stage, no tortured final note bent grotesque by mortality. Just applause, quiet egress, then absence.His voice was pure architecture: each syllable a stair climbed with theatrical intent, each chorus an attic gable framed in steel and longing. Pitney sang of love in the way stained glass renders saints—ornate, overwrought, and wondrous. The songs were simple. Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. World ends. And yet beneath the corn syrup of the lyrics, there surged a man excavating feeling as if sorrow were a quarry and he the last willing laborer.In the Sixties, when music began its slow morph into rebellion and fuzz pedal aphorisms, Pitney was romanticism’s holdout—unashamed of strings, crescendos, and hearts bleeding into vinyl. “Town Without Pity,” “It Hurts To Be In Love,” “I’m Gonna Be Strong”—these weren’t mere tracks. They were sonatas of collapse, teenage Gothic, snapshots of pain that, through their excess, found strange dignity.I bought his records back then, amid my youthful pantheon of pop: The Four Seasons, tidy in their falsetto flights; Peter, Paul and Mary, solemn with their folk harmonies. These now feel like embroidered samplers on a Midwestern kitchen wall—nice, nostalgic, and devoid of heat. But Pitney? Pitney remained. A soft spot formed around his melodrama like a pearl around grit. In later years, when his name was spoken with smirking condescension, I found myself defending him—not out of loyalty, but recognition. The man had made banality soar. The Prince of Perfect Pitch, they called him, and rightly so. He turned pubescent emotionalism into operetta, and made the adolescent experience seem operatic, and perhaps holy.



THE NIGHT HAWK

 It was a quiet night, the streets were nearly empty,  lights from store windows shone ethereally onto the sidewalk and made odd light sculptures against a line of parked cars and abandoned newspaper dispensers. Lumps Galoot was having none of this dreadful noir simulacra. The night is merely dark, not a canvas for wan poetry and brass knuckled fists flying out of an alley's blind spot. 

Lumps could almost feel the metal smashing against his acne as that thought crossed his mind. Still , the night was serene in this pocket of the city, the only sounds being from teenagers yammering on and on with their invisible friends who had no faces, only avatars of angry, screaming skulls with huge sabers jammed through their craniums. 


Conveniently, the streets were still wet from a recent rain , and the sound of tires rolling over the asphalt craters that made up the street sent an odd angular tingle up and down Lumps' spine before setting with a pulsing sensation around his groin area, which was constrained by a pair of pants that could set off fire alarms with the profound reek the material held in its decaying weave. Lumps Galoot hated the artfulness of the dark and the comparative quiet. The moon , full and leering, shone its beams on him, the streetlight radiance became assaulting glares on his crew cut and scars and placed him in a circle of off-white brilliance.

"Nothing beats a great pair of legs he said. He was in a doorway of a closed business , a microphone in his hand . He adjusted the volume of the battery powered Rolex amplifier the mic was plugged into and then tapped the round head of the device. PLOPMF PLOMPGH PLUGGUMGRUNK.

He lifted his head and saw the full moon aglow in the dark sky, a corona of a sort ringing his ash grey shape, perfectly in the center of a the inward slanting angles of the the buildings that were dark and colors save for the scattered lights from an office or apartment window. 

"A song to all the Galoots" said Lumps Galoot. He cracked everyone of his knuckles over the microphone head, and it sounded like bones breaking under the thick layers of bed spreads and dime store throw pillows.  Bones came alive with rhymes that refused to sing .


I wanna swat the fly

on the do or die,

have me a diggitty digital 

watch party syntax

on a world fax,

dig?

There was nothing left to do on a night made of sirens, radio shows beamed to outer space, cats on trash cans plotting their next move. Lumps Galoot then noticed a woman with large Popeye muscles pounding her equally ripped boyfriend over the head with a very long club with a long bent nail piercing the top.

Christ on a biscuit, thought Lumps Galoot, What is this , a goddamned cartoon?

Wednesday, July 16, 2025

SWAT THE FLY

 


The city tried to make the new train station look like it was built in the 1900s, meaning there were many structures feigning an American Gothic style, meaning that someone in Sacramento was at a drawing board working against deadline to contrive an appearance of wood buildings with lots of fancy filigree carved to simulate the stone edifices in European capitals.

"Goddamnitall to hell" said Tracee, she  of many tattoos and muscles and a t shirt that read LED'S GYM," the train is late and all this gap toothed simulation of an already repulsive design choice from a bygone era is making that burger I had come alive again something fierce, you betcha". She paused and let out a belch that was a gargling eruption of gas and sound effects from a Mad Magazine flexi-disc insert. 

Tracee was a beauty from Bakersfield looking for an good-looking man with a wallet full of bottle cap cork. What she got was a Herculean moron named Flattop Goonspoon, thick of muscle, wide of torso, slim of wit.

"I like trains" said "Flattop," the way they sound gives me a bone to pick with the spotters at Led's Gym, where the surfers meet the vatos for all those sudden death games of Go Fuck Your Fist with a deck of 49 cards".

Tracee scratched her nose as she pulled a ten foot clup with a nail through the top portion from her coin purse. 

"Damn train is late" she uttered, her voice taking on a lilt that was suitable for a cascading reading of any number of recitations of an Absorbine Jr. ingredients list.

"I love you Tracee" said Flattop, flexing his muscles in the reflection coming from the glass of a ticket window. 

"Yeah, I know" she said and smacked him upside the head with the club she yanked from her coin purse, " I love playing Swat the Fly with you, babe..."


Saturday, July 20, 2019

TELL IT TO THE HAND SANITIZER

“So you're telling what?” demanded the Slurp, “You got something you wanna say?” His tone was agitated. The beer in his hand was warm, and the July sun beat down on the patio like a 15-year-old boy locked overnight in a porno shop.

Squeak the Leak held a beer that was still cold. In fact, the hand he held it with was encased in a block of ice. The Slurp leaned closer to Squeak the Leak as fire ants crawled up his legs and bit their way into his Batman shorts.
“I mean, COME ON”. Damn fire ants, he thought, and then remembered there was a Rockford Files marathon, all the episodes featuring Issac Hayes as Ghandi, Jimbo's pal from The Joint. Squeak the Leak sat down in a lawn chair.
“Your harmonica playing sounds like fifty-two fornicating accordions being tuned by a wood pulper he said finally. The Slurp was having none of this jive and reached into a pocked and produced a coin with a Roman numeral on it.
“I HAVE THIS MUCH TIME TO KICK YOUR CHAIR TESTER, SQUEAK THE LEAK/“
Squeak the Leak's superpower was time teleportation, and in the blink of an eye he zapped The Slurp back to Rudford's Diner,1949, sitting at the counter looking down at a plate of bacon and eggs, Sunnyside up, arranged to look like a happy face. 
“Hey, you gotta take a break and RELAX” said the short-order. It was Mussolini, working his side job. He cooked with a series of broad hand gestures.

Friday, April 5, 2019

REAL SOBRIETY FOR MEN


  • Ted Burke "26 years sober, motherfucker" is what Jersey said, "my sponsor can kick the shit outta your sponsor."
  • Ted Burke "HEY, NO CROSS TALK" yelled Iron Mike.
  • Ted Burke "I wish this guy would wind up his share because I have got to take a righteous whizz.." was all Rick the Cell Phone Buffoon could think about.
  • Barry Alfonso A World of Hurt -- in one family-sized package!
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  • Ted Burke KEEBLER WAS IN THE KITCHEN CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES LIKE A B ITCH!
  • Barry Alfonso The elves cowered inside the hollow tree, clutching enormous cookies, waiting for the Barber to finish grilling those sweet Iowa ears on the hibachi...
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  • Ted Burke the mixed aromas of grilled flip flops and cold sweat filled the dishwasher station.
  • Barry Alfonso Dugg's nostrils flexed convulsively at the scent of roasted groot.
  • Ted Burke brood had to share hos experience,strength. and hope with group by saying " Mandrill smokes duck like a goddmned Mancini fan, you ladder rung snuffers..."
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Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Friday, November 21, 2014

A Fearful Tale





Strange as the rain they didn’t predict I was there staring across the when the phone rang.
The phone was black as arrest warrant ink, a quality that was more ominous by the sound of the bell, which was shrill like the cry of man bobbing on the line where the sky meets the lake.
Mary turned her head from the mirror where she was watching herself undo a ribbon around her neck as I stood in the middle of the room, counting the rings with the tap of  his big left toe.
“Silly” she said, walking to the phone, two strands of ribbon blowing over her shoulder in what seemed like a wind, “your games amuse me, but really, someone might be trying to get through to us.”
She stopped just short of the night table the phone rested on and picked up the receiver from the cradle with an arch of the back and a swoop of the arm that seemed professional, very profess
The phone seemed to leap into her hand through attractions unspoken of in the city. though by some natural attraction, L paper clips soaring to the north and south poles of a horse—shoe magnet.
Mary said a few words, nodding, cradling the phone between her Mar and shoulder as she finished untying the knot around her neck.
The ribbon floated to the floor as Mary took the phone from her ear and pointed it my direction,
“It’s for you” she said, “it’s Andy
The walk across the room took along time.
“Hi Ted, this is Andy.  I wanted to see if you’d gotten those poems I dropped off?”
His breathing was a gurgling, grating rustle of congestion and worse. The black holes of the receiver appeared to vibrate, pulse in time to his rasping. The receiver was  clammy, and the wallpaper, which I hadn’t noticed before, was suddenly bright and screaming with reds, yellows, pinks, and punishes blacks. This was all wrong. My scalp felt as though my hairline had been stapled into position as a guard against a long and blunt wind from the desert.

“Well?” asked Andy, “Whattaya think of the poems”.
“Yer poetry sucks and yer mama dresses you funny, Andy…”
“I see…”
“Kerouac was a weenie and you gotta leave that shit alone”.
“Gotcha. What else?”
“You spell like a muthafuckah!”
“Oh yeah? Well, you suck”.
“Fair enough” I said, “Lunch tomorrow?”
“I’m there” said Andy, “My treat this time…”
“You’re on…”
“Fuck off. Later.”

And the phone went dead. And then the sun exploded.
In heaven I was seated on a cafe on a cloud over looking planet debris. Monkeys were at every table, tossing silver ware and plates across an endless expanse.