TELL IT TO THE HAND SANITIZER

“So you're telling what?” demanded the Slurp, “You got something you wanna say?” His tone was agitated. The beer in his hand was warm, and the July sun beat down on the patio like a 15-year-old boy locked overnight in a porno shop.

Squeak the Leak held a beer that was still cold. In fact, the hand he held it with was encased in a block of ice. The Slurp leaned closer to Squeak the Leak as fire ants crawled up his legs and bit their way into his Batman shorts.

“I mean, COME ON”. Damn fire ants, he thought, and then remembered there was a Rockford Files marathon, all the episodes featuring Issac Hayes as Ghandi, Jimbo's pal from The Joint. Squeak the Leak sat down in a lawn chair.

“Your harmonica playing sounds like fifty-two fornicating accordions being tuned by a wood pulper” he said finally. The Slurp was having none of this jive and reached into a pocked and produced a coin with a Roman numeral on it.

“I HAVE THIS MUCH TIME TO KICK YOUR CHAIR TESTER, SQUEAK THE LEAK/“

Squeak the Leak's superpower was time teleportation, and in the blink of an eye he zapped The Slurp back to Rudford's Diner,1949, sitting at the counter looking down at a plate of bacon and eggs, Sunnyside up, arranged to look like a happy face. 

“Hey, you gotta take a break and RELAX” said the short-order. It was Mussolini, working his side job. He cooked with a series of broad hand gestures.

REAL SOBRIETY FOR MEN

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  • Barry Alfonso FEAR CLUB FOR MEN

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  Ted Burke "26 years sober, motherfucker" is what Jersey said, "my sponsor can kick the shit outta your sponsor."

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  Ted Burke "HEY, NO CROSS TALK" yelled Iron Mike.

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  Ted Burke "I wish this guy would wind up his share because I have got to take a righteous whizz.." was all Rick the Cell Phone Buffoon could think about.

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  Barry Alfonso A World of Hurt -- in one family-sized package!

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  Ted Burke KEEBLER WAS IN THE KITCHEN CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES LIKE A B ITCH!

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  Barry Alfonso The elves cowered inside the hollow tree, clutching enormous cookies, waiting for the Barber to finish grilling those sweet Iowa ears on the hibachi...

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  Ted Burke the mixed aromas of grilled flip flops and cold sweat filled the dishwasher station.

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  Barry Alfonso Dugg's nostrils flexed convulsively at the scent of roasted groot.

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  Ted Burke brood had to share hos experience,strength. and hope with group by saying " Mandrill smokes duck like a goddmned Mancini fan, you ladder rung snuffers..."

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A Fearful Tale

Strange as the rain they didn’t predict I was there staring across the when the phone rang.

The phone was black as arrest warrant ink, a quality that was more ominous by the sound of the bell, which was shrill like the cry of man bobbing on the line where the sky meets the lake.

Mary turned her head from the mirror where she was watching herself undo a ribbon around her neck as I stood in the middle of the room, counting the rings with the tap of  his big left toe.

“Silly” she said, walking to the phone, two strands of ribbon blowing over her shoulder in what seemed like a wind, “your games amuse me, but really, someone might be trying to get through to us.”

She stopped just short of the night table the phone rested on and picked up the receiver from the cradle with an arch of the back and a swoop of the arm that seemed professional, very profess

The phone seemed to leap into her hand through attractions unspoken of in the city. though by some natural attraction, L paper clips soaring to the north and south poles of a horse—shoe magnet.

Mary said a few words, nodding, cradling the phone between her Mar and shoulder as she finished untying the knot around her neck.

The ribbon floated to the floor as Mary took the phone from her ear and pointed it my direction,

“It’s for you” she said, “it’s Andy

The walk across the room took along time.

“Hi Ted, this is Andy.  I wanted to see if you’d gotten those poems I dropped off?”

His breathing was a gurgling, grating rustle of congestion and worse. The black holes of the receiver appeared to vibrate, pulse in time to his rasping. The receiver was  clammy, and the wallpaper, which I hadn’t noticed before, was suddenly bright and screaming with reds, yellows, pinks, and punishes blacks. This was all wrong. My scalp felt as though my hairline had been stapled into position as a guard against a long and blunt wind from the desert.

“Well?” asked Andy, “Whattaya think of the poems”.

“Yer poetry sucks and yer mama dresses you funny, Andy…”

“I see…”

“Kerouac was a weenie and you gotta leave that shit alone”.

“Gotcha. What else?”

“You spell like a muthafuckah!”

“Oh yeah? Well, you suck”.

“Fair enough” I said, “Lunch tomorrow?”

“I’m there” said Andy, “My treat this time…”

“You’re on…”

“Fuck off. Later.”

And the phone went dead. And then the sun exploded.

In heaven I was seated on a cafe on a cloud over looking planet debris. Monkeys were at every table, tossing silver ware and plates across an endless expanse.

Tight

I'l bet this will add sparkle to your day... The Monkees - I'm a Believer [official music video] www.youtube.com http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FV5JgiGr-s This is the shit Exuma - The Obeah Man - DJ Luis Mario "Flaco" Orellana www.youtube.com July 1, 2011 7:28 am boing ZZZZGGRCH!?? Zong patrol cootie pant leg grease releaser July 8, 2011 6:49 am ZARDOZ GO MONGSTER February 11, 2012 7:44 am goddamned blue nun? On the boat! With Kennedy! cheet breet skeet meet with a squid onnit! February 28, 2012 6:23 pm http://jronaldlee.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/chatter-teeth-two.jpg hot neck jam! March 3, 2012 6:32 am ungowa slumber pork March 3, 2012 10:19 am http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FD8UM3AQ3Y The Wire - Cedric Daniels has an orgasm inside of Pearlman www.youtube.com March 25, 2012 7:27 pm tasty pinched at the dry nozzle gunned and greased for grelb You are a machine, a wiener roaster in fact I have been trying to be a AA battery for years, but to no avail Half of what you buy needs jumper cables. May 19, 2012 3:14 pm GET YOUR GRELB ON http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPCp0Hcp5RQ&feature=related July 28, 2012 7:29 am yeow I can slam like a drake!! -- B. Dylan *Most semi-insane blog name of the day:* http://freethoughtblogs.com/camelswithhammers August 15, 2012 8:05 am The Bat Staffel Purple Aces Ace of the White Death The Midnight Eagle The Vampire Staffel The Skeleton Patrol Squadron of Corpses The Invisible Staffel The Dynamite Squadron The Dragon Patrol The Hurricane Patrol The Panther Squadron The Spider Staffel The Mad Dog Squadron The Blizzard Staffel The X-Ray Eye Squadron of the Scorpion The Death Monsters The Cave Man Patrol The Gorilla Staffel The Sword Staffel Wings of the Juggernaut The Headless Staffel Staffel of Beasts Claws of the Sky Monster Staffel of Invisible Men Staffel of the Floating Heads The Blood Bat Staffel Skeletons of the Black Cross The Patrol of the Dead Scourge of the Sky Beast The Wings of Satan Patrol of the Cloud Crusher Curse of the Sky Wolves Vultures of the Purple Death Wings of Invisible Doom Skies of Yellow Death Death Rides the Ceiling Patrol of the Mad Scourge of the Steel Mask Patrol of the Murder Masters Fangs of the Sky Leopard Vultures of the White Death Flight of the Dragon Flight from the Grave Patrol of the Purple Clan Vengeance of the Vikings Flight of the Green Assassin The Hand of Steel The Flight of the Hell Hawks The Drome of the Damned Satan Paints the Sky Wings for the Dead Patrol of the Phantom The Black Aces of Doom The Flames of Hell Patrol of the Iron Hand Fangs of the Serpent Aces of the Damned Patrol of the Sky Vulture The Condor Rides with Death Flying Coffins of the Damned The Bloody Wings of the Vampire Raiders of the Silent Death The Sky Serpent Flies Again The Black Wings of the Raven Death Rides the Last Patrol Three Fly with Satan Flight of the Death Battalion Wings of the Black Terror Patrol of the Iron Scourge Wings of the White Death The Black Buzzard Flies to Hell Red Fangs of the Sky Emperor November 23, 2012 11:14 am nothing says value like a subscription to bag o glass magazine Sounds like the platform of the Jamul Tea Party tough as greasy burlap, brother Face time feels like adz-brushed felt, somehow nothing but paper clips and cigarette lighters in the distance The coffee cup left on the banister on the porch of 2103 Mission Blvd. was stirred by a thumb now stuck inside of Mobil with the Chevron Blues, again even the chill pills gave me a headache The 47 percent demands a shave, a shit and a shoeshine - the rest just want a little poon the phrase "for a nickle I will" will open doors that should not be knocked on The O.B. Space Man is subdividing into cubicles on a subatomic level THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS NOT TRAFFIC TICKET! THE BILL OF RIGHTS IS THE UNREMOVABLE TAG ON THE MATTRESS OF OUR COLLECTIVE SELF-RESPECT! gotta go, Barry. hope you and janet are well and enjoying the holiday All the best to you, Ted - stay poetic! yezzzir! January 28, 2013 3:08 pm there's no telling what these people want. first they demand skin, and then a jar of combs and sparklng cider. chirst. January 28, 2013 4:37 pm Wing bones behind The Honker on Girard. Tasty! February 2, 2013 7:09 am blue nun or bust!! February 2, 2013 8:32 am THIS PLACE IS F*CKING HORRIBLE!!! THEIR SERVICE SUCKS, THEIR FOOD IS HORRIBLE AND I HAVE HEARD THE OWNERS ARE IDIOTS. What a dumb place and dumb f*cking name. Wow what a horrible experience here. Waited over 45 minutes for our food. Our food sucked absolute weenie. The service sucked, didn't get our drinks right before our food came. They need to do something with this place. The waitress smelled like creosote. Heard some pretty interesting stories about a couple of the owners of this place. Now that i have heard the stories and experienced their service and food i will not EVER GO back there again! February 3, 2013 1:47 pm goon tango extra spikey Mr. T's Eat and Breet Everything at Red Lobster costs a wad of green phlegm, plus tax Two-piss minimum. No exceptions. tip your server, then zip your fly Wednesday is Pole Night. bring one of the Wachowski brothers and get in free Mention Harry Tolen and get socked for six bucks. bring a greasy burlap bag and have Lynette Tom get flustered behind where you're sitting Point at any female's nose, say NOOKIE and receive a free pass to the gynecology gulag. reference any thing by Jon Bekken and recieve underwear that will moan when you bend over Bring a guest and Reed Norvell will twist his neck until his eyes look like a Basil Wolverton pin-up. Judi Blocker will tie you knots even Gorgo couldn't deal with gotta go. back to work Did you know that Jill Louise-Beazley became a TV news woman in Arizona and Florida? no shit? Yerp. Look up her pictures on Google -- recent photos catch her with mica eyes and a grin that could scare a Republican Amway salesperson... that is fucked up talk to you soon, barry Baby! See ya, Ted. You oughta come out to Pittsburgh sometime. We could do some righteous neighborhood inspections! February 10, 2013 1:57 pm who are the Canned Zaggly Thatters? February 11, 2013 2:40 pm Been on the road, driven grelb to gruel. Back home tomorrow! Ain't that blast inna kisser! February 12, 2013 6:30 am 4 am at the Waffle House on the outskirts of Cootieville makes you seriously reconsider REO Speedwagon's Greatest Hits. February 12, 2013 12:01 pm Chrome Jitter Splints , tonight under the OB pier. February 16, 2013 7:02 am what's your home phone, barry? i have two numbers and both are marked as cell phone numbers 412-243-3450 is homey March 3, 2013 6:52 am BREET CHITTER ZONG March 3, 2013 1:25 pm Schlep Hamstring Tuner Tenderhook Stabilizer Unit March 3, 2013 3:43 pm AFROSHEEN SQUID MILK NIGHT? Microphone Relaxer PLUS! Sarai Austin's left nipple is slackening even as we speak... March 4, 2013 6:44 am http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151493599450971&set=a.10150495786665971.429109.571930970&type=1&theater May 2, 2013 12:51 pm NO COUNTRY OR OLD GRELB May 4, 2013 12:36 pm arooga June 15, 2013 6:36 pm Grelb June 17, 2013 7:42 am *Watch this guy's moves -- he really knows how to USE THE CAMERA! * http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pItA5BQ_dzo August 30, 2013 8:59 am This will help things immensely... Having A Book Moment with Jon Longhi - Robert Crumb (Episode 5) www.youtube.com September 6, 2013 9:54 am Hey Ted, Sorry I missed your call -- where's my Zotz coin?? November 12, 2013 12:48 pm I have it upon superb authority... http://gawker.com/ohio-man-arrested-for-fucking-pool-raft-also-fucked-pum-1461464139?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_facebook&utm_source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow Ohio Man Arrested for Fucking Pool Raft Also Fucked Pumpkin gawker.com November 15, 2013 7:27 am Recent studies have indicated that Loneliness leads to spiraling interest rates and an appreciation of how pretty traffic lights are when they are seen through bus windows on a rainy night. November 19, 2013 10:34 am Mr. Dirt meets the Fucker down the block from Mr. T's Pub and Grub........... December 27, 2013 12:45 pm the fucker has lunch in between the sprockets of old Spin and Marty reruns The Fucker was holding up the goddam wall in front of the arcade where the mechanical cowboy kept firing from the hip and cackling from the damage woofer jabbed in his plaster larynx The Fucker was such that he didn't like to show off his special skills, so he blinked twice and made Asia sink to the gross murk of hell itself. After this, he was gonna get rough. "Ize gettin out now, brutha!" said Slappy White, tossing a sock full of Crazyfoam into the Universal Boot Shop. "I GOT ME A HAT FROM LOUISE THE HATTER" said Harley, "now I can sit along side Blues Image on the Xmas parade float..." Jerry Penrod pulled up behind the wheel of a 34 and handed me a quivering suitcase with drool stains: "You forgot something, fella..." January 11th, 12:59pm clown fish zipper lips is an actual product at the store Goes great with a squid bikini. January 24th, 6:24pm John Popper plays a mean root-horn John gets thick in the thickets and whistles for thistles February 16th, 12:54pm http://blogs.ocweekly.com/heardmentality/wally%20george.jpg blogs.ocweekly.com April 7th, 12:43pm urk! My man! ZUP WID JEW? at lunch _ .m, .ders of Zion Dear C. Leon de Aryan: Here in the East, much fertilizer is being spread about a revival of religious spirit, and every illiterate calls him- self an evangelist, and gathers about him others as ignorant as hi.nlself. Yet there is no lbve of •christ in these pathetic exhibitions. The moving emotion behind this "revival" is guilt, and fear of retribution. The American people, consciously or unconsciously, now fear the fate of the inhabitants of Hiroshima and, Nagasaki. With malice towards none, Americans made possible the two great slaughters of the 20th century, and it will come home to them before long. The hands that made the war machines and piloted them over Europe are trembling now, and there are visions of the crippled child- ren of Rome and Berlin. Without the utmost humility and the mos.t pass.ionate desire to make right these wrongs, Americans can expect no- thing but the most terrible vengeance God has wreaked upon any modern people. Yet between us and our desire to plead our \ sins there .still 'stands the evil Jew, the Satan who led us into these two world wars, with his lisping creed that all religions are equal, that the foul excrements of the' Talmud are as sacred as the Bible. Any American who listens to the Jew now will be eternally damned, for our only chance is to repudiate entirely the Yiddish Satan of the world and go directly to our Lord. Sincerely, EUSTACE MULLINS that's a natural fact It's all about gettin paid by Ezra Pound social credit on the barrel head Fifty-three cantos and change! plus tax Not on my dime, says Tristan Tzara not on my watch said Kurt Schwitters No flies on me, says Edgar Guest nothing beats a great pair of legs said Don Blanding You shave my neck and I'll shave yours, says Kenneth Rexroth Are these all the Charo albums you have asked SpiderMBA Is that an Exuma cassette in your pocket or are you just glad to see me, asked Mark Levine What do you mean you have no more grey mustand demanded GMAN June 3rd, 11:40am SWEET!!! SpiderMBA poured gasoline all over his Commodore and struck a match. "Ragnorok!!" he screamed to no one. I am gonna fuck this machine until the screws have no tread SED SPIDERMBA just before he lit up like a Xmas tree The Feldspar Posse threw up their hands and then discovered there were not paper towels Parts is Parts was the motto of the Interchangeable Gang The Fetch Club took it in bones I don't have change for a femur, said Zuttzy, do have a smaller bone? Skitch had his teeth on edge from the bad Ray Conniff solo and proceeded to bite the tone arm clean through Christ, that is a tasty little sucker My guitar wants to fill your molar The guitar kills time June 30th, 7:11am most embarrassing upset in WWE history! Half of what you buy is a half-nelson Chat Conversation End